How I Became Skeptical

Edit: I have not totally given up faith as you can see from some of my older posts. I mean "rejoin the ranks of the believers" in a figurative sense. This blog is not just about the bad things in Judaism but also the good things, and is just a place where I can figure things out. I haven't gone OTD probably mainly for social reasons but also partly because I'm trying to give Judaism a chance and work on intellectual ways of reconciling my skepticism with Judaism. Anyway just thought y'all should know before you start to think that I totally hate Judaism and that I left, which i suppose the depressing tone of this post might imply. Whatever, enjoy!

Had a bad day so now for some pessimism:

I've been feeling foolish lately. I just reread my post "Drawing Lines" and thought I sounded pretentious. I really should not be so optimistic about tackling problems that have been plaguing the J-blogosphere for years. But now for something completely different... (and rather depressing)

Something that really annoys me is the amount of contempt believers have for skeptics. Just using the words Kofer, and Kefira with all the damnation they imply really bothers me. I think maybe they have this attitude because they don't realize the years of thinking many skeptics or OTD'ers go through before they start talking. Let me tell you a little bit about how I became snarky and skeptical about Judaism. I'm pretty melodramatic about the whole thing but bare with me.

I come from a pretty RWMO family. I had TV and non-Jewish music and was not sheltered at all. When I was very young i became enamored with Torah learning. It became an obsession of mine at a very young age. I would spend hours learning mishnayot and chumash with all the commentaries. I used almost all of my Bar Mitzva money to buy sefarim. I never really loved much else about Judaism I didn't particularly enjoy davening or shabbat but all in all I was extremely happy to be an Orthodox Jew.

I also loved reading and that was my ruin. I didn't just read novels but also history books. One day I picked up a copy of Max Dimont's Jews God and History in one sitting I learned about the DH and about the Pharisees and in short how much had changed in Judaism. Further research led me to find Karaism which I had always assumed was extinct. I realized that the connection between the TSBP and the TSBK was extremely tenuous and most of Judaism had nothing to do with the Torah. At the same time I realized that maybe the Torah was not written by Moshe and that its divinity was contested by many. I spent years making up convoluted explanations for these problems but ultimately failed.

This all terrified me. I loved learning so much and how could I give up Judaism. Wouldn't I have to give all of it up if it turned out that all these new ideas were in fact true? I would sit in my room at night poring over my sefarim and trying to find some sort of answer somewhere to help me with all of this. I searched every Jewish bookstore available for some sort of answer but although I sometimes found a book that gave me a glimmer of hope I eventually realized that there just were not sufficient answers out there.

I went to an UO yeshiva high school because I still loved learning even though I was deeply worried that maybe learning was a complete waste of time. I just could not give it up though. I kept learning always doubting always tinged by guilt that I was thinking about kefira all the time. Was it not assur to think about such dangerous things? I couldn't help it though, as much as I tried to suppress these thoughts they just came back stronger. I tried not to read more "kefiradick" things but I just needed to know how bad things really were. Every time I read a book on Bible criticism I would have contradictory feelings of interest and profound worry.

Ironically all of this made me into a very fervent davener. I had always taken davening seriously but now I actually had something to pray for. I would beg God forgiveness for thinking bad things. I would beg him to grant me belief. I would beg him to forgive me for being hypocritical by doubting him and still praying. This guilt all seems silly to me now but then it obsessed me. Needless to say God in his omnibenevolence decided not to answer me. I still mutter a prayer sometimes just in case.

As high school went on I slowly began to stop caring. I slowly stopped caring about davening then I stopped caring about Shabbat. I was still in denial though. I just would not accept Judaism was flawed and I began to start doing very poorly in school as a result. I decided to talk to Rabbis I thought maybe someone had some sort of magic answer for me. Maybe I was missing something fundamentally important maybe all the "kefira" I had been reading had clouded my mind to something really obvious. I talked with the Rabbis in my yeshiva none of them gave me satisfactory answers. Sometimes I would become hopeful but I always figured out the fallacy in kiruv arguments. When I first heard a good (by propaganda standards) presentation of the Kuzari proof I had so much much hope. In a few days I had figured out all the holes in it.

Eventually one of my Rabbis brought me to the Rosh Yeshiva which was a pretty big deal. He did a worse job than any other Rabbi I had talked to and then when he realized he wasn't winning me over he said "You just don't care enough that's all. You're making excuses" I was so mad! "Not care!" I burst out. "Every day I pray to God to help me all I want is to believe again and you think I don't care!" He wouldn't even look me in the eye! He muttered something about pretending to believe. I stormed out fuming.

Its that attitude that gets me. Its that attitude believers have that we are taking the easy way out, that skeptics just want to undermine Judaism because they have nothing better to do. I poured my heart out in prayer for years. Nobody answered. Does that sound like someone who is just making excuses? Does that sound like someone who is just discussing "kefira" because he enjoys destroying things. The day that I see a genuine miracle I will gladly rejoin the ranks of the believers. A message to all believers: ITS NOT OUR FAULT FOR DOUBTING! And I'm not willing to pretend that everything is fine I demand the right to discuss my views even if it may be branded kefira by the believers. I'm not trying to proselytize if this or any other blog makes you lose faith DON'T READ IT. And if I comment on a believer's blog its only because I love arguing like any other Jew.

I didn't choose to become skeptic. It just happened. I loved Judaism and had nothing to gain from losing most of my faith in it. I made a genuine effort to find answers for my questions but just couldn't. I'm sure God will understand.

Edit: I realized that I really generalized a lot here. I know many believers even from the Chareidi sector who understand my skepticism and were very supportive. My rant here was against those believers who for one reason or another accuse me of being skeptical to make my life easier (which doesn't make sense because it made my life harder.)Its against people like that that I'm directing this post.