When my doubts started I developed a sort of defense mechanism. Whenever perusing the library shelves I would stop short before reading anything inimical to the faith. Every time my hand reached out to grasp a books about Bible Criticism I would stop myself. Every time I was about to read a book of philosophy I would hold back. This wasn't because I thought reading "heretical" things was assur (forbidden). No, thank God, I was never so naive to think that. I did it purely for myself, so that I wouldn't distress myself further. I said to myself "Shilton, you're distraught enough as it is with all those gaping holes in your faith, why do you want to exacerbate things by reading more things which will cause you to doubt your cherished beliefs" And back to to the shelf the heretical book would go.
I deeply regret that defense mechanism because since I avoided reading "heretical" works I did not develop a coherent picture of what I thought and what I believed until I had wasted many years in Yeshiva. It was the ultimate bitul zman. If I just would have pulled the damn book of the shelf, opened it up, and imbibed the bittersweet, forbidden fruit of heresy, I would have saved myself a lot of time and trouble. Perhaps things would have worked out better than they did.
Today after a long dormancy that defense mechanism decided to rear it's ugly head. I don't want to get into the details right now, but while perusing the shelves I found something which slightly disturbed me, which might bring into question some things I take for granted and might cause me to rethink my life. I held the book in my hands and hesitated. And for the briefest second a little voice in my head piped up, a little voice from my childhood, and it said "Put it back on the shelf! Save yourself the distress. Just don't read it!"
No! I was disgusted with myself for even entertaining the thought for a moment! I refused to listen to that remnant of my past. That fearful Shilton who was scared that truth might pop out and frighten him at every corner! That Shilton who deluded himself by keeping himself ignorant! That Shilton who wasted years of his life for naught! I grabbed the book and proceeded to the counter and bought it immediately! No regrets no hesitation.
I will never hide from the truth again. I will embrace her like an old friend and follow her wherever she leads.
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