Monday, 8 November 2010


First I prayed for faith. What else could I pray for? So I prayed and prayed for God to grant me faith in his existence and lo and behold my prayers were not answered. I was naively hurt by the deafening silence to my heartfelt begging. Why would God not grant me something that was a mitzva? I wasn't praying for selfish things like wealth or happiness I was simply asking to be able to fulfill the "constant mitzva" of Anochi Hashem.

I don't pray anymore. Sure I say the words and hum the tunes occasionally but not as supplications. I chant them as beautiful poems and songs.

Does it hurt to pray? I'm not quite sure. Sometimes I'm tempted in times of distress to say a benediction or two but then I realize that it's probably about as efficacious as frantically drawing circles or clapping hands. I think a certain level of maturity is involved when you start dealing with your problems by yourself. Instead of trying to get help from an elusive deity perhaps it's better to accept the challenges of life and deal with them alone. It's hard sometimes to accept that no judge or advocate is out there to set things straight or to catch you when you fall. But it's certainly more realistic.

Perhaps we need to stop taking the soothing drugs of prayer and face the world sober and level-headed even if the challenges of the world seem insurmountable at times.

Of course a L'chaim once in a while never hurts and I guess neither does a prayer here and there....


Tayqoo said...

sometimes that is what i think i miss the most. the feeling/hope/belief/ certainty that there is something out there listening. now it's like spinning wheels. i wish that i could fool myself but i can't seem to.

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