5 Steps To A Guaranteed Ketiva V'Chatima Tova!

Warning: this is highly irreverent and mocks Jewish traditions from time immemorial and probably is not the best thing to be writing before Rosh HaShana and probably isn't very funny. Don't read this if those kind of things offend you (and I ask for your forgiveness in advance.) Thank you! Shana Tova!

It's hard getting forgiven by the aybershte. I mean he is fairly demanding, and how exactly can we INSURE that he doesn't strike us with lightning next year!? Luckily for us Jews we have some sure fire ways of tipping the scales of divine judgment. Let's take a look.

1. Crying. 

Apparently your prayers get extra points if you turn on the water works. But let's be honest you (the proste minuval that you are) just aren't stirred up enough to get those tears flowing. Luckily there's an easy solution. Fake it! That's right. The angels collecting your tears don't know if you're sincere or not so might as well give 'em something. Pinch yourself if you have to. Loud sobs are also a great idea - nothing says "I'm sorry, God" like pissing off the whole congregation with obnoxious loud yelps and making constipated faces. And if you're a chazzan - as a shaliach tzibbur you have an EXTRA obligation to sob in the middle of prayers (but just a word of advice even the angels aren't gonna fall for it if you continue where you left off before the sob without the slightest crack in your voice. Cummon make it a little bit convincing)

2. Simanim

Simanim aren't just tasty they're magical! That's right. If you eat some honey then the your gezeira for a sweet new year becomes guaranteed! (Take that you "rationalists"!) So be sure to scarf down as many simanim as possible! More simanim = more chances that you cast an effective spell. (A Kosher Torah spell BTW not a goyishe Harry Potter kishuf spell) Learn from the sefardim! Gather up animals and vegetables from all corners of the earth! And be SURE to stay away from nuts! The Gematria of the Hebrew word for nut - egoz is ALMOST the same gematria as sin - chet. And don't even dare listen to those scoffers who say that it's nuts who come up with these gematriot in the first place - they're just a buncha minuvalim who are also skeptical of Bible Codes and other Ohr Sameach approved word games. Are you really gonna listen to idiots like that?


3. Feed the Fish

You got all these sins sticking on to you where you gonna throw 'em? (Sins are REAL spiritual/metaphysical/immaterial/impure particles sticking to our neshamos so STOP rolling you eyes. If we could take an Xray of your neshama it would probably look like the lungs of a Lakewood Yeshiva Buchur) In the times of the Beit HaMikdash we had a scapegoat who got loaded with all our sins and was kicked off a mountain. Nebach we no longer have the ability to kill large amounts of animals ritually so we have to do the next best thing... KILL THE FISH. First make sure to empty out all your pockets to get all those nasty sins into the water and while you're at it try to coerce your millions of zera levatala demons (yeah don't pretend you haven't already spawned an army of those buggers) to join the fish also. THEN watch the fish gobble up you invisible sins. THEN swoop in and deal those fish a fatal blow with moldy challa crumbs. BOOM fish and sins gone.

4. Go To The Mikva

Yeah, yeah, you don't want to run around naked in front of a buncha hairy old men and fat chassidim but that's just because you have "Western sensibilities" and hopefully the waters of the holy mikva will manage to get rid of those also. Just be sure to to let your feet touch the ground! Everyone knows that the unholiness surrounding your spiritual neshama will not dissipate unless every inch of your body is touched by rain water warmed by human bodies and afloat with human hair. (Oh and those folks peeking at you are upright menschen and respected members of the community! So stop talking loshon horo about them right before Rosh HaShana!)

5.  Say Hatarat Nedarim

Wouldn't want you going into Rosh HaShana with some unfulfilled oaths. What you haven't made any oaths? Well too bad! Say it anyway! In fact say it twice for being such a smart allack. It's in the siddur for God's sake, you can't just skip it!

With this arsenal you're guaranteed a perfect year! In fact I'll prove it: My friend once did all of these things and he didn't die the next year AND he got a raise at work! What more evidence do you need?

Ktiva V'Chatima Tova!